Wistful Thinking

I'm not going to lie, I have been a bit of an emotional wreck lately.

A couple of weeks ago I was at dinner with my husband talking about how great it is to be working, how much I enjoy my job, I think I'll always want to work, yada yada yada.

Then the wind blew and I have had a hard time getting through each workday.

I've been feeling so nostalgic about the early days with my kids and longing to go back to my "old" life. The one where I drop them off 2 days a week at mother's day out. The one where I went to the gym 3-4 times a week. The one where we had endless amounts of time to go to the park, play games, watch movies, go on fun outings. And playdates! I miss the playdates.

I'm trying to remember the bad with the good: The many days I woke up and looked at my husband and said, "I don't want to do this today!" The times I called my best friend crying because my kids were on my very last nerve and I couldn't take it anymore. The endless days (especially during summer) of waking up and trying to figure out what on earth we were going to do that day that didn't require spending lots of money. The lack of a second income.

One thing I have realized is that there are some moms who are "made" to be stay-at-home moms. They love it, excel at it, and I'm insanely jealous of them.

Then there are the moms who are "made" to be working moms. They can't imagine staying home, love their career, and seem to make it all work. I'm insanely jealous of them.

And then there's me. I'm somewhere in the middle and I think that is a hard way to be. I constantly feel pulled in one direction or the other. It is exhausting.

I have no idea what the answer is. I'm trying to take it day by day, not thinking too far out. But it is hard. Today I took a personal day so we could go to the fair (Rylan is out of school). It was glorious!

But tomorrow it is back to the grind. Drumming up prospects, trying to close deals that have been on the table for 3-4 months. Paying for daycare with half of my paycheck. And smiling all the while.

How is that for honesty??