“Let me know if you need anything!” is a phrase full of good intentions that reeks wildly of apathy. You hear it dozens of times in your fresh postpartum period. Everyone says they want to help, nobody says how.
I get it. I know a lot of us have become so accustomed to our individualistic society, we’re extra cautious of crossing boundaries. We don’t want to feel like we’re imposing on someone—overstaying your welcome at a newborn mother’s house is a whole different nightmare you don’t want to be part of, but there has to be a sweet spot somewhere in the middle, right? If caring for each other is a spectrum, it’s time we start exploring the center.
When we tell moms to let us know if they need anything, we’re just adding another task to their already mounting to do list.
Let me know if you need anything implies nothing about what you’re willing to do, when you’re willing to do it, or how often and it leaves a mom who could definitely use the help all alone to figure that out. Moms get shit done and while I do wish more of us felt empowered to ask for help when we need it, I also know that the responsibility can’t fall on mothers alone.
A couple of weeks ago my friend dropped off dinner at my house. That is the first time someone has ever done that for me. I’m not in that newly postpartum period but I do have two boys who are 3 and 5 years old and that is its own little slice of chaos, one that I’ve learned to manage pretty well given my years of experience now but still, one I could use a break from every now and then. She made food, she boxed it all up, labeled it individually, and she had her husband drive over to hand deliver it to my porch. It was this brief moment of relief—one less thing I had to do! I didn’t have to think of the grocery store run let alone do it. I didn’t have to cook and I didn’t have to clean. And sure, while something similar can be achieved by ordering takeout, I didn’t have to do that either which meant I didn’t have to spend a small fortune feeding my family for the night.
What a labor of love. She did something she does nearly every day but this time she thought of me and my family and without asking me, without putting the responsibility on me to express I needed her, she gave me a momentary break.
I have a neighbor who seeds and mows our lawn and in exchange my husband walks his dog for him while he’s at work. Would I ever ask this guy to mow our lawn under any other circumstances? Would he ever text us and ask if we could walk his dog? Likely not, but one day someone just made the offer and the rest is history.
I think about being in that new baby stage and I remember not knowing what I was supposed to be able to handle or not. This was new territory and motherhood is hard after all, right? Should cooking dinner be daunting? Is it weird to ask someone else to do it for me for one night? They said let me know if you need anything but did they really mean it?
The village mothers need isn’t one that says let me know. The village mothers need says:
I’m running to the grocery store right now. What do you need? I can drop it off on my way home.
I have some free time on Thursday night. Could I come over and help with laundry? Bring dinner? You guys could go out if you want and I could watch the kids.
I am making lasagna tomorrow night. Could I drop some off for you too?
Name the thing you’re willing to do. It’s mutually beneficial anyway. You get to help in a way that feels appropriate for you and you’re showing that mom your offer is genuine. She is way more inclined to take you up on it when it’s a laid out plan she can say yes or no to rather than something she has to think up herself. When we aren’t proactive in our offering, mothers rarely ask for help and by the time they do, they’re drowning. This isn’t a judgment on anyone—I’ve been the person who has made that same empty offer. It slips off the tongue as easy as how are you and see you later! but mothers, at all stages, deserve more. This is a reminder to myself and to anyone who knows a mom.
